Dear Sir,

Firstly, greetings from the autochthons in land of milk, honey and dust or Guruve.

Secondly, Karitundundu, the ageless autochthon of wisdom and knowledge has asked me to bring hearty congratulations on your marriage to your foreign sweetheart.

Well, I am sorry to disturb you as a newly married man. Back in the village elders with cotton tuft hair, say never make an early appointment with a newly married man, he will not make it: when you expect to discuss serious matters of state and governance with him, he will be at it. I hope you not at it, right now.

While marriage is about love and following your heart, at times, it makes one stupid, too. I hope the marriage has not unhinged your brain.

Zimbabweans in their broad totality were shocked to the marrow by your belief and announcement that they are not good enough hence you opted for a foreigner. Well, that is very denigrating to even your own mother. To say your comments are stupid might be an understatement.

Generally you are known as a grout-mouthed and mortar-mouthed boy, who says bizarre and unthinkable things. It was better for you to, like any other man, brag about the size of your manhood that to abuse Zimbabwean women. We would understand you if you had bragged about your bamboo stick, for, in the village, every man brags about the size of his manhood no matter how tiny. It’s acceptable!

Remember I am that villager, who cannot sponsor even a bull-fight and might not be able to drop a cent as a gift to at your wedding. But I still have the dignity and the respect for Zimbabwean women in their various shapes and forms- from the pencil slim to the onion-shaped: from the light to the dark: from the tall to the short- Zimbabwe has great and brainy women.

Maturity entails that you speak when you should and shut up when you have nothing meaningful to say. By that token, Zimbabweans have reacted angrily to your rantings and it’s not good for a small fly like you.

I know you have bragged about being monied but that money will never buy your dignity. It will never buy brains for you. Money without brain is dangerous. This villager would expect such silly statements from a man with the brain the size of a full stop, not you. But honestly, how would God give you that size of a body and a non-corresponding brain? Honestly how did God give you the money you claim to have and not a brain to respect others?

Back in the village, they say the more a monkey climbs up a tree the more it exposes its genitals. You are exposing yourself too much by saying too many unbelievable things.

Hopefully, your ears are not for decoration.

Yours sincerely

The Villager